No More Christmas Ties for Hubby

IMG_3929Husbands are notoriously difficult. They would rather watch a bunch of hulks knock each other down on the football field or sit mesmerized as cars hurtle endlessly around a track than curl up with a cup of hot cocoa to watch Amy Adams bewitch Patrick Dempsey in Enchanted. But they are never more contrary than when it comes to shopping for them—either they already have everything they need (my husband already has 37 screwdrivers and 28 ties) or they are impossible to surprise.  So in the spirit of Christmas kindness, my friend Marsha and I have done some legwork for you.furry animal feet

Naturally, we decided to start at Sportsman’s Warehouse where husbands can disappear for days looking at wild boar targets and dog toys resembling dead geese, neither of which we could imagine paying good money for. We were immediately drawn to a large display of furry animal slippers. We decided our husbands could put these on when they felt as grumpy as old bears.IMG_3935

Sportsman’s also has a full line of Duck Dynasty gifts. What husband wouldn’t want to play redneck by sitting in his Duck Dynasty chair in a Pappy shirt while drinking soda pop out of a Duck D mug. Or you could buy him a dozen set of deer antlers with which to decorate the tree or surprise him with camouflage crocs that would come in handy when he’s trying to sneak up on a squirrel in the backyard.

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I don’t know about your husband, but mine is extremely hard to surprise. He can usually pick up a box, hold it up to his forehead as if doing some kind of mental telepathy with the gift, and then name the present. If you’re married to a guy like this, there is only one way to surprise him. Get him something he doesn’t know he wants. One year I got my husband a recurve bow because he had mentioned enjoying archery as a child. You can bet he was surprised that year, but maybe it was because I cheated and didn’t let him do the telepathy thing. This year, I was thinking about giving him his very own hamster decked out in a Santa suit from Petsmart, but then I realized the pitter patter of little feet might give it away. Maybe I’ll just settle for the “Yoga Cat” calendar. I’m sure he’s not anticipating that one.20131206_111538

At the Bronco Shop in the mall, we found just the thing for the diehard blue and orange fan. Wouldn’t your husband look fine in a hat that comes with a built-in beard to keep his chin toasty warm when the wind chill factor drops below zero! Or you could give him a Boise State bathrobe and he could cuddle up next to the TV with some hot chocolate steaming in a Boise State mug and eat hamburgers smothered in Boise State barbecue sauce. If you are smart, you will add a life-sized teddy bear from T.J. Maxx to take your place on the couch while he watches the game.20131206_115240

Your super hero might like a Zentai body suit and a Sons of Anarchy mug from Spencer’s Gifts. But don’t forget to tuck a copy of Survivalist magazine into his stocking. The current issue tells how to survive just about any disaster—blizzard, tornado, terrorist attack, or social collapse (might come in handy if he doesn’t like his present).

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About Judy Grigg Hansen
I write poetry and nonfiction, and I am passionate about the people, places, and wildflowers of Idaho and the Northwest.

4 Responses to No More Christmas Ties for Hubby

  1. Pepper13 says:

    I like the final draft very much. Thanks for taking me “shopping”. And for lunch. Nice job.

  2. That blows my theory about him unwrapping and rewrapping the presents in the middle of the night.

  3. I am glad your husband passed on his mental telepathy gift to his eldest son. In 17 years I have only pulled off one surprise. I spent more than he thought we agreed on and I hid it at the neighbors!

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